none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
