She is in my trunk
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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