I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
