does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
