She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
