I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
