i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
