i don't like sucking hair
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
