i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
