is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
