i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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