I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
