A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
