she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
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