I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
