Jerry, you need to find god
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
