I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The best revenge is premature balding
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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