addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
