Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
