I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
