we made out on top of his cat.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
