You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
