Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
