Just took my morning after pill in the library
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
