i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
