Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm drive I can fine osifer
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
