i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
