Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
