We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
