She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
