lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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