Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
