You're earring is so big in my mouth
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
