I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
