Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
