so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
