The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
