I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
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