I'm so fucking centered right now
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
