I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
