I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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