I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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