Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
