Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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