Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
