So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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