TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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