I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You ate ashes out of my bong
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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