Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
