Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
